Reset, then Do The Best With What You Have
Oh, the inevitable blow-up of expectations...
One minute your day/month/year is planned and everything's in its place, the next minute, nothing is what you thought it would be.
Your business partner bails. Your gig falls through. Your audition goes south. Your bank account looks worse than anticipated. Your body's pulling some weird sh*t (allergies, fatigue, flu, a slipped disk). A family member passes. You lose your job.
These are big life events but they've been happening to me and the people around me a lot lately. It could be coincidence, but I'm feeling a lot of confusion and worry in my friend/family circles. A lot of things are shifting without warning and more than ever we are simply overwhelmed.
In 2020 so far, I quit my full time bartending gig to go rogue, racked up expenses for a New York trip, rocked at least a dozen auditions with no callbacks, and now sit squarely in limbo with my financial future--no full time jobs to be had until after the show in Cerritos wraps at the top of April. Each day can be productive and calm (most of last week) or an emotional whirlwind (today, for example).
A healthy perspective and good support system has been key to leveling out the highs and lows. And the best advice I can root out from my experience is: do the best with what you have. I know it sounds basic, but there is a very real vibrational change that occurs when you stop lamenting your circumstances and start sifting through what you truly have.
Today I felt crushed under the weight of my to-do list, of all the things I need to educate myself on, and all the ways I'm behind. I began to slide into a 'not enough' spiral, and when you're in a 'not enough' spiral, you assume you'll never do anything right and that everyone in the world thinks the worst of you.
Not helpful, Loosh.
I'm tired of those spirals, but I know the only way to stop them is to accept they're happening and stop in my tracks. 'Glass half full' mentality feels impossible in a shame spiral. So, I do something to rest or reset. Meditating can sometimes work. Naps are good. Hot yoga works for me too. Sometimes just a walk around the neighborhood or a movie date with myself can help. I know in the middle of a timed to-do list it can feel like a waste of time, but it's not...because I'll never get any work done if I don't believe in myself and take advantage of what's really in front of me. Today, I let my body decide for me. When the emotions started flying, exhaustion kicked in, and instead of pushing myself to work out or journal, I just went back to bed. Meditated and napped. I know we don't always have this luxury, but I did today and it worked. For one beautiful hour, I let go of everything stressing me out, felt the cool sheets and the sun's warmth, relaxed my jaw, unclenched my shoulders. When I woke up, my brain and body had reset enough to know what to do. I did my own taxes, wrote this blog, and even did a little social media managing (which I would typically avoid on a day like today).
Because the truth is, I have so much to work with that I just forget to focus on. When I'm in social media or audition mode, I'm in danger of putting too much of my worth in the results--likes, job offers, etc. But when I'm focused on a singular task I'm fine. It's the choice of tasks that I often use to be so hard on myself unnecessarily. I'm always like, "choose wisely, b*tch" instead of tagging in that self acceptance I work so hard to cultivate. So, I'm constantly resetting and reassessing... but I'm happy I at least know how to do so.
What do I have today? I have a partner who sees my value even when I refuse to. I have a show starting rehearsals soon and a lot of great auditions coming down the pipe. I have my first gig as a writer (!) that I was able to pursue pretty organically given my daily writing practice. I have a huge tax refund heading my way, AND all the time I spent poring over 2019's expenses reminded me that I'm already more educated, more intuitive, and more experienced than I was last year. I have a side gig in Shane's film company--which needs digital promotion and social media roots. I have a working car and a sunny home and a disciplined, creative roommate who is also a genuine joy to be around. I have plants to water and records to play and friends to call. I have warm days with a hint of spring. I have excellent health, amazing family, and a full stomach.
I have this blog, too, which challenges me, opens me up, and teaches me the value of doing something every day.
Do you need a reset? Take it. It's the only way to feel better once you've started spiraling. Then you can get to telling me about what you have and what you're moving towards.