Lucia: (While in NY) "I think I want to move to LA."
Lucia: (3 years later, in LA) "Should we move back to NY?"
Scene 2: The glass doors of a grocery refrigerator open to reveal 12 kinds of plant based milk. Lucia scans for so long that the glass fogs and she has to close the door. How is she supposed to know what milk to get? Califia is good but kind of expensive. Ralph's brand is on sale but kind of watery. Vanilla? Unsweetened? Oat? Almond? Maybe she'll ask Shane. It's just too hard of a choice to make on her own (it's a choice we literally make twice a week). The scene repeats in the cereal, condiment, and snack aisles (for some reason produce is easier).
Scene 3: (Most mornings)
Lucia: What a beautiful day! I think I'll draw something. And I'm gonna do yoga and pushups by the pool. And I'll get my journal out! AND today is the day I finally memorize that monologue. Oh and I'll call So-and So. Oh yeaaahh, I should probably plan to take a dance class. But...laundry!
Lucia (2 youtube videos, an episode of Patriot Act, an unknown amount of time scrolling Instagram and one burrito later): How is it 3pm? I gotta work at 4. F!
Tomorrow though, is gonna be different. (Pokes out own eyes)
Ugh, I could go on but it's too annoying. I am constantly weighing and sympathizing with both sides of an argument. I can see the good (and bad) in everything, and the result is I just tend to leave everything alone so I can sit on my fence.
Naturally, I've spent the last 3-5 years on the fence between financial/emotional stability and following my dreams. And new factors in my decisions have emerged: not wanting to fake it. Not wanting to eat sh*t in some low-paid performing job just to get it on my resume. Not wanting to put a mountain of time and energy into 'portraying someone' more people will follow on Instagram. Not wanting to leave the comfort of my good-vibes home, caked in makeup and anxiety, only to have my headshot thrown in the trash because I missed 2 counts of the choreo.
It sounds glum, but it's the pavement artists have to pound to get to what's satisfying: being part of a big performance with a thousand moving parts, touring the world, learning the movement and melodies of something that will affect thousands of audience members or millions of home viewers, meeting the friends who will inspire you and 'come up' in the industry with you, and remind you the value of creative collaboration.
So, I'm torn (as usual): craving stability and fearing the unknown, while knowing I'm still capable/hungry to perform. I know a few things: I don't want to grind forever. I don't want to do any more cruise ships. And I'm not ready to take a desk job or manage a restaurant.
So...long story long, I'm putting less stock into my flimsy intuition/incessant mind chatter and just saying YES to things that come up. Shane says, sometimes it's not what you decide that matters, it's that you've made any decision, which will lead to more clarity and more decisions. So, decision number one: I'm going to NYC, to do 6-7 auditions and see if the musical theatre world is where I want to focus my time right now. I have a voice telling me why it's great, and another voice telling me why I'm an idiot...but I think Shane is right. I will emerge from my trip with new, needed clarity on what I truly want.
I've made some other decisions too, and I'll write about them soon. :)
Thank you, with all my heart, for listening and supporting. One choice that is usually pretty easy for me to make is the choice to be thankful for exactly what's here--a lot of kind people being with me on this journey. See you in NY! ;)
Choices.... Getting.... Made.