Embracing It All As Is
There's a lot I could say about this day.
I could talk about all the things I wanted to accomplish that I didn't. I could list all the sh*t I didn't expect to happen--some of it helpful, some of it not. I could find 'reasons' as to why the day felt like it breezed by all too quickly. Reasons like "I'm just lazy", or "I lost track of time". I could loudly exhale the way a 10 year old does when they keep missing the football catch in the yard with their older sibling. The "why can't I just do it?" exhale.
The truth is, I really did want to accomplish a lot more than I technically did. I wanted to accomplish things I could measure. A piece choreographed, an hour of practice, an hour of reading, blah blah. But, instead, I slept in, enjoyed coffee on the balcony and the meandering start of a friendship with our neighbor two balconies down. I felt drawn to the heat of a summer-like day and made excuses to be outside. I ate leisurely--thought less about nutrients and more about treats. I learned the C scale on the ukulele, but got so caught up in the practice that I missed the first half hour of a phone call date with two women I look up to. They laughed and welcomed me in anyway. I did a very small amount of article editing, and then, I just kind of let the day flow. We took the frisbee out to the quiet neighborhood park, where we laid and played for hours. We ate dinner late--cauliflower wings and salad--Facetimed a few more good people and, now, as midnight falls, I feel the 'option' of criticizing my half-ass 'use' of the day. So many hours wiled away without my knowledge as I avoided traditional time and just relished the sun, grass, music, and spicy cauliflower. Not to mention several Philip Defranco updates and existential podcasts with Russell Brand.
But I sense another option at the close of this most excellent, certainly 'imperfect' day. I rested, I took in the world, I connected, I did a few productive things (the minimum amount, but still), and I let myself flow, regardless of time. Losing track of time is a luxury I can afford right now, as a homebound artist and person just trying to process the new world out there.
The story I'm telling myself about today doesn't have to be too annoyed or analytical. I am a kind and loving human being navigating self care and unemployment in a world health crisis. I am very slowly learning it's not helpful to be hard on myself at the end of a day. I'm better off zooming in on the things that can't be quantified for their productivity. Things that actually hold immeasurable joy of a quiet kind. From this angle, I wouldn't trade my moments in the grass for anything.
If today was my last day on earth, I would be glad I spent it playing in the sun with Bae and letting all my conversations go on longer than once was acceptable. I would be glad I was kind to myself and the world. I would embrace it all as is, because the one thing I've learned from this time of reflection and global awareness, is my true priorities aren't fame and achievement and status. My priority is giving into the unpredictable, imperfect nature of each moment, and tapping that quiet joy that makes me lose track of time.