A Very Human Day
Today I experienced the following feelings:
1. Absolute, utter contentment in a sunny morning, starting with Wim Hof breath work, journal pages, intermittent sleepy cuddles, and delicious coffee.
2. General unease mixed with grounded optimism on social media--I did just post an apology blog. That'll mix up the emotions a bit.
3. Waves of gratitude on a surprise call from Mom on a mini work trip (to pick up hand sanitizer in Sherwood Park). We reminisced through an hour, expressing our joy and pride in each other. We discussed whether it would be wise for me to get a cat (I'm allergic but I love them). She checked in on my grief level at losing a young friend and reassured my best intentions and kind memories of him. Thank you Mom. I miss you. You're the best.
4. Fresh prosperity perspective and more gratitude as I took on Day 1's assignment from Deepak Chopra's 21 Days of Abundance. A couple of my favorite friends are facilitating a group challenge involving daily writing assignments and mantra meditations. It's something I normally wouldn't commit to (I already have my own similar tasks from Julia Cameron's practical creativity book: 'Walking In This World', and try to meditate daily) but it seemed right in the moment to take it on, no pressure, each day. I wrote a list of almost 200 people who have inspired me and helped me grow. If you're reading this, there's a good chance you're on it. :)
5. Utter delight at hearing from an old friend in Phoenix. He sent a photo with his husband, dog, and two foster kids, all laughing wildly, and the joy of receiving that was hard to fully express. We talked about the process to foster/adopt kids and how it's going for them. It's people like them who completely rejuvenate my faith in humanity.
6. Love, excitement, and appreciation for my friend Daniel, who called before his bedtime from Vienna. He sent me a new short film script and gabbed with Shane for an hour about the lenses and settings they've been using and their current cinematography icons. Filmmakers, am I right?
7. Determination and playfulness on a trip through the 90 degree heat for groceries. I also shipped a package from a local Fedex/USPS guy on our street who was incredibly efficient and easy to talk to. I was aglow from his impeccable, swift service. I also enjoyed an overly enthusiastic announcer at Ralph's, explaining that people with their own bags would need to do their own bagging for safety reasons. Listening to his tone, it felt like his life dream of doing the announcements at Ralph's had finally been fulfilled. This, coupled with actually finding tofu, left me tickled.
8. Zombie-like relaxation during Deepak's guided meditation. Followed by a very present sense of prosperity and nowness.
9. Goofy, sing song joy as I checked in with my friend Daph, made two kinds of Cinco De Mayo salsa (heirloom tomato and watermelon-grapefruit), and riffed off of Shane's jingles while he made more coffee. I also munched on homemade chips during a delightful Facetime with my friend Lamont, involving Jurassic Park/World debates and conjectures on the fate of Broadway shows in 2020.
10. Sudden unease, and feeling like my sense of time had slipped away. I fall into this pattern almost daily as the sun retreats and 4pm seems to give way to 9pm almost instantaneously.
11. Random, almost hysterical anger with Shane over some minor administrative thing that needed clearing up. Which gave way to frustration with both myself and him, and confusion as to how I could be so suddenly a total asshole. Regret, insecurity, retreat into a back room.
12. Slow realignment with my neutral self as I write out this emotional timeline. Curiosity and doubt as I process the events of the day. Shane quietly brings me dinner. It's delicious, but I'm not too hungry (perhaps that second coffee and all those chips are to blame). Total surrender and admission of fault as Shane tiptoes in to check on me and hug me back to my core truths. I tell him I'm sorry, and I'm afraid and overwhelmed. He knows. He accepts me exactly as is and gently recommends I do the same for myself. New, tearful gratitude for him and begrudging acceptance of me.
I wish I could say this timeline of emotions was a one time deal, or that it was perfectly explainable, coordinated with some simple, scientific event that makes perfect sense. I wish I could attribute it all to one villainous thing I could demonize and feel better about. But the truth is more complicated. I feel so much in a day, and I can rarely explain even a small percentage of it as it washes over me. I do a lot of work just to feel safe and sane and worthy of joy in most moments, but still these old worries and pesky old beliefs follow me into corners, waiting for the chance to magnetize like a storm. I'm not schizophrenic or manic. I'm just going through some things and hoping I come out better on the other side--which has tended to be the case. I'm just...human.
The point is... if you're anything like me and you're processing all the feels, because our lives have changed so much, because there's so little we know, because we're stuck mostly inside, because we're spending more time contemplating our relationships, our true purpose, loss and grief on a global scale and the eventual death of everyone, because we are human beings and emotions are a part of that experience or any other reason you feel is relevant,
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your confusion and frustration is felt. Your simple goofy delight at the most mundane thing is felt. Your numbness, your pain, your uncertainty, all felt. All valid.
Behind pretty much all my reactions is a common thread of love. Love makes me tear up, and laugh, and relax. I also sometimes tear up or lash in fear of losing what and who I love.
I learned this mantra from an episode of Midnight Gospel (an episode that deals mostly with death and loss, grief and acceptance): OK, fine.
Fine. Feelings, I often begrudge you, but I accept you as part of my very human experience.
What about tomorrow? I guess we'll see. I'm working one moment at a time, apparently.