It's quiet on the back porch tonight. The 114 degree heat from the day still thickens the air.
There are so many things I want to write about. I have a dozen heartbreak ideas, and 100 small kindnesses I want to report on. I have half-written prompts from my saucy writer's group meetup today (including one on kissing fruit) that I could flesh out here in my safe space: a blank Wix page on a refurbished Macbook in the hot and crickety night air.
But something in me is quiet and still, a frozen lake in limbo. A feeling like I'm at a crossroads.
I have been exploring this blog medium with verve, writing almost every single day for 8 months in a year of colossal change for me and my fellow humans. As a result I've been finding my voice as a personal essayist and self-care denizen. I've penned out reminders for myself that have carried value for others too. I've bravely put out genuine bits of myself on every clickable blog tab day, after day, with almost zero feedback--I don't even really know who is reading these, and that's been weird. I often wonder if you're here out of obligation to my sweet sensitive soul, or if you've been gleaning interesting things, or if you come here to laugh at my sadder life choices and feel better about your own. I usually settle on: everyone's just checking up on me, and Shane. The blogs are like instagram posts with embarrassing emotional backstories. In any case, I like thinking about you, and I appreciate you being here once in a while.
I had a weird couple of weeks after my last summer writing class ended. I had gotten so much juicy feedback on my work and was inspired every which way to keep fleshing out my memoir. But instead of continuing to write it, I kind of just floated around, busying myself with the next meal, the next thing I could do for someone else. Even though I was doing less, I felt more behind in my day, forgot more things, felt sleepier and more emotional. Maybe it was the abrupt change in mindset from summer to fall. Maybe it was social media and political overkill. Maybe I'd been trying to hold down my Canadian friendliness in a uniquely unCanadian part of the world for a little too long. Whatever it was, it rattled me. I had clear ups and downs, sometimes in the same day. I felt unfocused, ungrateful and uncharged, and like time was slipping away from me more each day.
So, I've made a few decisions. Nothing major, but it's clear that I'm due to switch things up a bit.
I booked a vacation/writer's retreat for myself in a clay cabin between Palomar Mountain and Anza Borrego Desert State Park, between LA and San Diego. It's a quiet sanctuary on a vast stretch of open valley and walking paths. It's where I plan to read and write, rest and rehydrate my inner well. I've been craving nature, and alone time, and the answers that come with mindful devotion to such things.
I am also taking a full week off from blogging, to recharge (I think about the blog all day out of habit now), and to write a few more chapters of my book.
I am also going to change the format of how I post and promote my blogs, to make them feel like work that I put my whole self into and not just a hit-or-miss hobby. The blog will have its own Facebook page, and Medium page, and I'm also going to start recording myself reading them so you can take in my thoughts in alternate forms like audio and video, maybe even blog-themed TikToks.
I am also taking any and all requests for blogs of any kind. Tell me what you like to read most and what you want more of. Give me ideas you think will challenge or surprise me. Be honest about what you don't love or don't read and why. You'll be helping me out a lot... and getting personalized blogs :). Comment on posts or get in my dm's. THANK YOU :)
....annnd I'm also going to be nicer to myself. Because the limitless worth of the Loosh we're all getting to know is constant and unflappable, regardless of money, 'success', creative output, image, or deed. Good, as is. That's me, even though I forget sometimes. Even when I know and have been spewing the answer for years, I still need the reminder for me. Annoying, but I don't make the rules.